There are no words to sum up the last month. I am tired, achy, hungry, annoyed, angry, sad, tired… Just so tired. Work today was so… It was just such a chore, a job to make it through today. This week. These last few weeks.
This night, other than my foul mood, is rather lovely… I have to admit. There’s a stillness… as I walk further and further from the train, I can feel the night calm me down.
As a song from State Radio begins to play through my earbuds, a very strange thing happens. I smile.
It’s not much of a smile, really, just the corners turn up, but it doesn’t hurt my mouth like so many smiles this month have. I don’t feel like I’m smiling through a vat of oil.
The fatigue begins to lift from my shoulders.
A familiar sound makes me pull out my left earbud; someone is doing a long tone series on a trombone. A full blown grin appears.
It’s Friday night and someone is rehearsing. I wonder if it’s a kid, nervous about auditions next week.
I remember trying really hard for first chair one year… Only to be disappointed with third. I can’t believe that I actually feel… Nostalgic.
I allow myself to smirk, remembering stupid things - the smell of valve oil, the necessary speed needed to get the good stands, the sound of a watch hitting a piccolo player after flying off a conductor’s wrist - and I enjoy those memories.
As I enter my house, my barking dog the only welcome, the only sign of life, I feel… Less of everything. For now.
